Book Club Interest?

Hello my lovelies.

I have been feeling particularly quirky lately, up and down emotionally like a rollercoaster on coke. I think I’m becoming my own worst enemy, as Ishti is more and more accepting of my femininity, I fear more and more that I will lose her, even though she has assured me that even in the absolute worst case scenario, she will still stay around as my best friend if she can’t handle being a lesbian. But enough about that, and down to the real reason for this post!

So, I was talking with Ishti the other day, and I came up with the idea of possibly creating an online book club. My initial thought had been for it to be just a small group of ladies who wanted an outlet to work on our voices and mannerisms in a private sphere, but I think we can open it up to anyone who is openminded and not critical of us.

If you are interested in joining a book club with us, please leave a comment on this post, or drop an e-mail to chaya.bat.maria@gmail.com with BOOKCLUB in the subject line. Spammers will not be treated nicely, so just please, don’t.

Love and hugs,
Chaya bat Maria

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A letter to myself

Self:

Why do I hate you so much? What have you ever done to wrong me? As far as I can tell, we have always done our best to do what is best for us. So why then, do I hate you?

Begrudgingly you,

Me.

PS: You managed to survive another year without killing yourself. The birthdays keep coming and you have fewer and fewer friends. You are such a loser, why haven’t you killed yourself yet?

Night Falls (a haiku)

Darkness descending
In my mind a rope entwined
Hands bound, tears run dry

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On dream weaving and dark horses

My brain works in mysterious and dark ways quite frequently, and the images that visit me at night are no exception. Last night I had a dream of being fully Chaya, dressed in a lovely ball gown complete with stylish heels. Ishti, being who she is, did not want to dance (for whatever reason she doesn’t really like to dance) and this really upset me, because this was my first ball and I could not dance with my wife.

A new semester, a new me?

So, the new semester starts tomorrow for my university. I am terrified of going back because of the realizations I have made about myself. I am not the man I was the last time I was on campus.

I do worry what people will think, regardless of how much I try to pretend strength on the outside. I have two new pairs of women’s slacks that I intend on wearing to my classes; yet I am afraid of what people will say if they notice that they are women’s slacks. I know in my heart that I should not be afraid of people finding out who I truly am, but I do know there is a lot of prejudice (both intentional and unintentional) in people’s hearts. Will my professors think less of me if they see me carrying a purse? Will my male classmates ridicule me? Only time will tell, and I will definitely post my tears on here since I can’t let them out in the real world.

I do feel so much more like the woman I want to be with my arms, legs, and torso shaved; the smooth feel of clothing is extremely comforting, like a hug on my entire body. I know that may sound silly, but to me it is just a reminder that I’m not completely crazy, that there is a woman inside of me who longs to be loved and cherished.

My wife and I had an interesting discussion last night, wherein she told me of an interesting thought train that she had been on earlier that day. She related our relationship to the latest episode of Dr. Who. ((SPOILERS IF YOU ARE A DR WHO FAN STOP READING))

Important steps

Tonight marks an important step for me in my Jewish life, I will be standing in front of the congregation and saying the blessing for converting to Judaism. While this is an exciting moment for me, it is also a very frustrating one for me.

I will be taking on my new Hebrew name publicly, so the whole congregation will know that I now have a male and female name, as I chose to take one of each as part of my Hebrew name. Odds are that most people wont even give it a second thought, some might say how pretty it sounds, but I doubt any of them will realize the importance of this.

For me, this is a quiet way of screaming to them that I want to be Chaya. My wife knows this, my rabbi may have some inkling of it, but as for the rest I am just a man with a really pretty Hebrew name.

I have made some small steps towards feminization, with my wife struggling to accept each as it comes. Tonight I will be wearing women’s pants, which fit me much more comfortably than men’s ever did. I will also be wearing control top tights underneath to keep my nether bits from showing too much. I will be wearing a pretty blue earring to offset my white/gray ensemble. I have also removed the hair from my arms so they don’t look like something from a zoo. My wife also loaned me a tummy compressing top that I can wear beneath my shirt which provides me with the feel of having on a bra, as well as helping to slenderize my frame a little.

I wish I could just wear a pretty blouse and some pumps, but my wife is not ready for me to do these things. It is my dearest hope that she will eventually become more accepting of the woman I want to be.