Hello my lovelies,
It has been far too long since I just sat and reflected with you. I have no real excuses, except that for a time I worried that my depression would begin to effect you, and that I would be making your lives worse for reading my thoughts. But now, perhaps (or so I hope), my depression is waning. The psychiatrist at the clinic I attend prescribed me a new medicine (Celexa) which seems to be working well for me. [As with all things medical, consult your own professional.]
The Paxil which I had been on for a few years had begun to work contraproductively with my hormones, and was causing massive suicidal tendencies and thoughts. After the doctors tried raising the dosage (TWICE!) I finally figured out that this was the case and then was advised to stop taking that medication. They then prescribed Wellbutrin, which caused severe lightheadedness, dizziness, and blurred vision almost constantly from about 28 hours into taking it, so I cut that off completely. It was then a few weeks of no antidepressants, and a massive suicidal bent, before I went to see the Psych, whom I feel could be a fairly reasonable person.
I have been on hormones for four months now, and according to the lady at Victoria’s Secret, I am a 38C. I just don’t see it. I look down and I see flabby man-pecs if anything. But everyone else seems to see breasts developing, so I guess I must defer to them and be thankful for the complements? My hips are definitely starting to round out a little bit, even I can see that. When I am sitting on the toilet, they stick out further than my belly on the sides! Also, when I am lying on my back with my legs bent, I can see a mild curve in on the side of my thighs… whether that’s real or imagined, I have no idea.
I also am wondering how long it will be before the people saying things like “he gorgeous” or “looking good” as I’m walking down the street seems to no longer be complements, but feels like harassment.
Either way… I have opted to participate in a research study examining the effects of hormones on singing voice, since my voice can barely hold a steady note since beginning hormones, but I used to quite enjoy doing karaoke contests and bringing home little prizes. My voice coach person says that I have about an octave and a half of pure female singing voice, but he is hopeful we can stretch that to two (or more?!) by the end of the study.
Transitioning publicly has been fun… and by fun I mean a bit of a nightmare. One of my bosses has been very rude about the entire thing, though supposedly she comes from a place of love. She hounded me all summer about what sort of clothes I was going to wear for the school year to make sure that my students did not mistake me for a man. She also tried to force me to out myself to the entire synagogue community in a letter “warning” the students and families that they would have a trans-woman as a teacher. Needless to say, this made me feel like shit.
It is nice that more often than not, people address me as ma’am or miss, rather than the apalling “mister” or “sir” that I was so used to hearing. Even the ladies in shops like VS and New York & Company are very polite and treat me like any other woman in the shop now. I still have had NO luck finding comfortable shoes that are also cute. The curse of having ultra-wide feet, I suppose. (Nike 9-4E were too narrow)
We have moved into Philadelphia proper now, our neighborhood is officially called the “gayborhood,” which I find fabulous. Ishti is still having a little bit of difficulty accepting that she is known as a lesbian now… and she still has not told her parents about me/us. I am not pressuring her about this any longer, because I do not want that to be a reason for us winding up falling to pieces. The only real downfall to this plan is that I still cannot update my facebook profile to reflect my name (Which I am officially in the process of changing).
So yeah, I cannot think of anything else to ramble about for now; so I shall say adieu.
Shalom,
Chaya
Transcending Chaya 