New Shoes – Stage 1

As I have probably mentioned before, my feet are awful. They are wide, they are mismatched lengths, and my pinky toes are cockeyed.

But yesterday, I had the pleasure of meeting with Sandra Gault, owner and creator of True Gault shoes. She put me on a fancy schmancy digital scanner to measure my feet. It was no surprise that one foot was nearly 2 European sizes different from the other, but for her company that is no big deal.

How can it be no big deal? They are going to custom make my shoes! That’s what they do. I will admit that I balked at the $350 price tag for a pair of flats, but Sandra assured me that they will be the most comfortable shoes I ever own.

We shall see. I am hopeful, but highly skeptical. I have never had a comfortable pair of shoes. Let alone fancy shoes.

I placed my order today… it says delivery mid-February so I will keep you all posted!!!!
Also, it was flipping awesome that the owner of the company was the one to meet me, introduce me to their company and measure my foot and give me style advice. So 100 bonus points to Ravenclaw for that! (How could she not be Ravenclaw, combining technology and fashion to make such pretty shoes?!
Love you all, and I hope to be posting more!

Chaya 
P.s. Here are to samples of their work.

 

I feel pretty…

Yes, that’s me. Holy shit.

I never thought I would honestly think that I looked beautiful. but in these two pictures (and for the entirety of the wedding we went to) I did. I got so many compliments on my dress and my stockings, that it was as if I were a member of the bridal party!!!! My wife also looked beautiful, and actually danced one dance with me.

I just wanted to share these pictures with you, because I have never felt so beautiful before.

Love and hugs,

Chaya bat Maria

Changes

some of this post may be considered NSFW by certain companies.

So my mind and body have been undergoing some serious changes since I started HRT a few months ago, and I have been absent from the blogosphere for most of that time.

Please forgive me. I still love and care for all of you, but my academic life has been busy. It is going to continue to be busy but I will attempt to blog more often.

So this afternoon I was feeling a bit dysphoric about my breasts, because I am a silly girl who cares about them; I was feeling like they still look like fat man boobs, but ishti, wonderful woman that she is looks at me and tells me that I have “the tits of a twelve year old girl.” This made me feel much better, because even if they are tiny, they are starting to look like breasts rather than fat rolls.

I have also been having “pregnant lady” cravings … I cannot get enough pickles. Period. I have gone through more than a gallon of pickles in less than a month. I also can’t get enough veggies, which is awesome.

We are moving into a smaller apartment soon, but the location is Über! We will be in the heart of the gayborhood of Philadelphia.

On the sadder side of things, my dysphoric spells are getting more acute, albeit blessedly more infrequent. I find my urges to harm myself getting stronger, and I have taken up the habit of marking my arm with a semicolon to remind myself of the promises I have made not to take my life.

I think I will be getting it as a permanent tattoo soon, so I can have the permanent reminder that I will never voluntarily end my story.

On the up side of things: I am officially out to my entire circle of family and friends except for ishti’s immediate family. Everyone has been wonderful and accepting of me so far. I am truly blessed by G-d, I know.

I will leave this for now, I will try and be back again soon.

Ani ohevet otkhem! 

Love and hugs,

Chaya 

Vacation morning 2

Good morrow my lovelies!

So I woke up bitchy this morning. And I was grumpy up until we ordered breakfast. Then the guy was like “will that be for here or to go ladies?”

That made the day much better.

Then I got stuck 2 hours in rush hour traffic. That sucked.

Talk at you tomorrow,

Chaya.

Day 001 — Updated finally

Okay, so it took me a little longer than I expected to come back to come back and update this post, but regardless.

I’m sorry that I have been an absentee for so long. I let my brain tell me that nobody wanted to keep reading about how depressed I was, and that I was only going to depress my readership. So, I’m going to attempt to get back to blogging about my feelings and my journey.

Anyways… hi.

Exciting things have happened for me recently. I started seeing a therapist (D) at one of the area’s premier LGBT+ friendly centers. She is wonderful, and is so easy to talk to. Ishti joined me for a session to meet D this week and I feel that was fairly productive. She was able to help give D a more rounded perspective on my life, since as a human being I can only tell my viewpoint.

I don’t really know what else to put in this post… except, you know, that I started hormone therapy last week. NBD…

Love you all,

Chaya

A brief history of my life… as I now see it.

As any of you know who have spoken to me personally, my memory sucks. I can barely remember my best friend’s name, let alone their birthday or anniversary.

I have virtually no memories going back before the age of 13, perhaps I’ve blocked out most of them, who knows? I can remember tiny little bits of information, like what toys I liked or what games I enjoyed playing, but as for actual events… only a scant few have survived the morass that is my brain. Even then, most of the memories that survived are negative ones, which is really frustrating considering I know I did not have the worst childhood possible!

Warning: this is a long post. It is full of my heartache and pain. Feel free to skip it if you don’t want to know where I come from.

I “remember” things occasionally, which I do not know if are real or created memories… so for this history, I will attempt to only include memories which I have verified with at least one other source.

Self love

No, not that kind… pervert.

Film Review – The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

I normally don’t do film reviews, but I can’t resist on this one. It is rated R, obviously, and for good reason. I would not let my children watch this film (if I had any) unless they were extremely mature. There is a lot of content in this film that could traumatize a young mind, and I think that’s the point.

Trigger Warning: Sexual Violence, Rape, Torture, Murder

Big Little Lies – a Review

Liane Moriarty brings us Big Little Lies, a book with a huge message.

A solid book which only had one major drawback for me, and that was the “cop-show” style in which the story was presented. I am not sure if this is the author’s style, or if it was just for this book because this is my first book by her, but rest assured, I will be reading more!

Trigger Warnings: Domestic Violence, Violence Against Children, Sexual Violence, Revenge

Wow

I am blown away. And humbled… And… You guys make me want to cry!

Also, I have a nice bum, or so I’ve been told.